Much of my work is devoted to enhancing communication. I do so to help people foster more emotional and verbal intimacy in their relationships. Over the years that I've been practicing, certain themes have emerged. One prevalent theme is that couples who are struggling in their relations often succumb to the default mode of silence. Sometimes it's one person who defers to the unspoken and at times it's actually both. In either circumstance, silence is the death knell of intimacy. Unless we're communicating on levels of extra sensory perception, words are the only tools available to us. There's little sense to being in a relationship and resorting to silence. Not only does it sabotage the lifeline of a healthy coupling, it conspires to denigrate your very existence. Let's take a look at the phenomenon of silence.

I always encourage people to give voice to their thoughts and feelings. When you can express what you're feeling, in the moment that you're experiencing it, there's much less likelihood that you'll act out on it. Telling someone that you feel angry and explaining why you do, will ordinarily sever the reactive state of being or acting angry. Of course, if the emotional state is loving, the expression of your feeling shouldn't mitigate the acting of it. What I am suggesting is that if your thoughts or feelings are problematic or negative, finding an appropriate way to share them should limit the potential of your acting out on them. Furthermore, the non-verbalizing and suppression of your feelings will, over time, result in a substantial resentment and the incumbent behavior that we might expect. If you don't share the problematic feelings, there is a great probability that you'll act out on them. Having done so, you now become the problem in the other's eyes. We've now entered into a conspiracy of silence and struggle.

Silence is controlling

When we think of controlling people, we ordinarily conjure images of loud or aggressive individuals. They may, in fact, be trying to have their way and control others. Yet, we know exactly what we're dealing with. There are no surprises. However, there's a much more insidious type of control which is predicated upon silence. When we don't share our thoughts with another, we are often doing so to control their reactions and behavior. If they don't know what we're contemplating, then they can't possibly respond or react. Most often people who are inclined to please others fall prey to this dilemma. The tendency in such cases is to choose silence rather than upset the other party. Sometimes, silence is chosen because of concerns over the other's judgment of us or the actions that they may take. In any circumstance, the silence serves to control the behavior of the other person. It mutes our thoughts and feelings and deprives the potential for authentic dialogue.

When we do so, we create an internal dialogue, typically ascribing onto others our projection of how we assume they'd respond if we actually shared our thoughts with them. In other words, we play out an entire script in which their role is predetermined. In doing so, we are locked into a state of stagnation. In such situations, the relationship has little chance to evolve and it ordinarily withers. There's certainly no opportunity for growth.

Finding your voice

Besides the obvious roadblock to the health of the relationship, silence can lead to despair and depression. I'm not referring to healthy breaks of meditative or contemplative retreat, but to the chronic struggle people have in honoring their feelings. When you do so they emerge through their words. The fear that induces silence is soul-defeating whereas the expressing of one's voice is soul-making.

The Problem with Silence

© 2008 by Mel Schwartz. All rights reserved.