One evening I was a guest speaker for a gathering of people going through the divorce process. After inviting some audience participation, one individual began railing rather venomously about his soon to be ex-wife. From listening to him we might well have assumed that she was a hateful, odious and selfish woman. As he continued to vent we learned that his wife now had a new boyfriend with whom she was living. I suggested that her new lover evidently didn't see her in the same negative light. So which woman was she really?

Our beliefs in the objective truth about others are regrettably more subjective than we might wish to admit. Was this women the detestable ex-spouse or the loving, devoted girlfriend to her new partner? It all depends upon whose perspective we take. And our perspectives certainly are apt to change over time. Consider how the energy that you feel for another impacts your perception of them. With the euphoric feelings of love, your image of the other is full of wonder and enchantment. Remove the chemistry of love and your feelings for the other are likely to markedly shift. Have they changed or has your perception of them shifted?

What we look for is what we see

Rather than seeing our thoughts of others as merely subjective representations of them, we confuse our thoughts of them with being the truth. We then see the other as a projection of our thoughts and expectations. If we believe the other person to be loving and nurturing, we will select those characteristics to focus on. And the tendency will be to filter any thoughts that might be incongruous with the picture that we have created. In this way what we see is inclined to be self-ratifying. In other words, what we see conforms to our expectations. It is exactly herein that we deceive ourselves. We lose sight of the fact that how we are predisposed to view the other produces the reality of the relationship. It doesn't occur to us that they change the moment that our perception of them shifts. There is no concrete and objective truth, only the subjective reality that our thoughts create.

Quantum physics reveals an astonishing and mind boggling insight. The act of observation participates in creating the reality. Prior to the moment of observation all that exists is potential. Put another way, our thoughts script the reality that we have come to think of as out there, separate and independent of us. The ex-wife that we spoke of earlier exists in a state of potential. She can be loved or detested. It is the observer; the former spouse or the new boyfriend that summons the reality into the relationship. Our thoughts mislead us when they report in to us about objective truths. Thought takes the position that its merely observing what is. The truth is that our thought participates fully in creating that reality. If we consider the impact that our thoughts have on the state of our relationships, we can see that our partner becomes to a large extent who we deem them to be. In a relationship that is angry and conflicted, the filter of antagonism will produce further negativity. Trying to get your partner to change will likely be met with resistance and defensive reaction, furthering the discord. However, the pathway to effective change comes from altering your own perceptions.

The instant that you choose to view someone else differently, the energy of the relationship may shift. Not only are they no longer locked into your picture of who they are supposed to be, there is also the greater likelihood that they truly begin to shift as they feel a different energy coming from you. The whole system of the relationship can open up the moment that one chooses to see differently. 

All things must be defined by relationship…
-- Gregory Bateson

Quantum physics describes a universe which is unbroken and inseparable, in which all parts interpenetrate all others. The notion of separation has little validity in this reality. Things can only be defined or described in their relationship with other things. In physics, there is a phenomenon known as quantum entanglement. Once two particles have interacted they are forever part of the same system, interacting with one another even at great distances. Each is definable only by its relationship to the other. Nothing stands separate unto itself. And so it is with our relationships. The other person is known only through the eyes of our personal interaction with them. It is only in our thoughts that objective certainty and separation exist. This way of thinking is destructive to our happiness and conspires to create stagnant relationships. When we see one another in a fixed and deterministic manner, we block the potential of the other person and of the relationship. In the quantum world new realities are summoned into being with new observations. The power to liberate our relationships from predictability and stagnation is essential in permitting a new energy to emerge. Quantum relationship invites new thought to create new realities.

Quantum Relationship

© 2008 by Mel Schwartz. All rights reserved.