Many people refer to themselves or others as perfectionists. As I'm typically inclined to do, I find myself inquiring as to what people mean by this term and what it really tells us. I find that the pursuit of perfection is often a disguise or cover for unhappiness. Perfection is a very personal and subjective state of being. One person's heaven is another's hell. There is no grade or outcome; no stamp of approval that you've attained perfection. People who think of themselves as perfectionists never achieve the state of perfect bliss that they're longing for. They've set themselves up for failure.

Perfection lies not in an objective condition but in the grounded harmony of the moment. While deeply engaged in questions of perfection in a recent therapy session I found myself uttering the following:

The only perfection is in being present, yet the perfectionist is never present.

What I was suggesting is that in one's ability to be truly present, without a constantly measuring and critical internal dialogue, is the closest I've experienced to perfection. Without our thoughts distracting us we can truly live in and engage the moment. With a frenetic pace of life and never ending lists of things to do, this is a rare moment indeed. The difficulty is that the perfectionist doesn't experience such moments. They are either critiquing the past, and reconsidering every move as if in a chess match or fretting over decisions not yet made. Either way the perfectionist isn't quite present. They are disengaged from the flow of life.

The very notion of and pursuit of perfection is a prescription for neuroticism and unhappiness. Moreover, it is unachievable. The natural order of the universe is somewhat chaotic and unscripted. This is where wonder and spontaneity arise. Can you imagine looking at a glorious rainbow and rather than admiring it, taking it apart for a lack of perfection? The orange band isn't quite as wide as the yellow, the perfectionist might think. This would obviously be ridiculous. Yet, that is how some of us live our lives. The mental chatter encumbers us so as to impede our ability to live joyfully. We may very well seek perfectionism in our machinery and automobiles, but it's essential to remember that we aren't machines and that the very essence of humanity is imperfect. And in this regard, imperfect doesn't mean flawed. It simply suggests a natural state of being.

Learning to come free from the habitual groove of self-measuring and judgmental thoughts is the key to liberating oneself from the straitjacket of perfectionist pursuits. Look at tendencies to measure yourself as a sign of the perfectionist penchant. Measurement is unhealthy and counter productive. Ultimately, the question is do you want to pursue the elusive state of perfect or do you want to feel fulfilled and happy? Not only are they not the same, they are mutually exclusive. Perfectionism precludes happiness; but being happy is the closest thing to perfect.

Perfect or Perfectionist?

© 2008 by Mel Schwartz. All rights reserved.