During one of my recent talks on relationship I was feeling rather playful and assumed the following position with my audience: As the preeminent social scientist from a very distant galaxy, my planet has sent me to earth to report back on how humans engage in relationships and marriage. This type of social organizing is somewhat bewildering to the denizens of my home planet and we are quite curious about this phenomenon. To that end, I will share some of my preliminary thoughts with you earthlings.

It is my understanding that when two persons meet and exchange a resonant energy they begin a mating process. I believe this is known as dating in your world. During this time each party comes to know the other more intimately, and they consider whether they might select each other for a union. As this process enfolds I have noted a very peculiar development whereby the individuals do what you refer to as putting their best foot forward. I assume that the purpose of such a strange endeavor is to try to have the other party like you, if not become enamored. Where I come from we'd never enter into such an arrangement. Our primary developmental process is to respect and cherish ourselves. Therefore, anyone else who feels strongly about us is welcome to express those feelings. As those are who may feel differently. But we'd never alter ourselves for the purpose of attracting another. Yet, on earth, people often hide or disguise aspects of themselves so as to induce others to accept them. I can't begin to tell you how odd this seems to us. It's rather in reverse if you ask me. Ultimately, the other person comes to know you for who you are anyway, so why play this game of seek and hide? I believe that what you call self-esteem is the cause of this problem. It's a wonder that you have no education in building such esteem, as we devote the majority of our early learning toward this end.

The aforementioned are only my smaller curiosities though. What truly confuse me are the agreements that earthlings reach in matters of coupling. It seems that you people reach an understanding that when you commit to another in relationships; you agree not to fall in love with others and to share your innermost thoughts and feelings only with each other. This is what you refer to as emotional intimacy. In so doing, you indicate that doing so with another, particularly of the opposite gender, would be tantamount to an betrayal.

Given the psychic abilities of my species I have the skill to hear one's thoughts that go unspoken. And to my astonishment I find that in not time at all, people in committed relationships begin to withhold very important information from one another. Not only thoughts, but very important feelings begin to simmer beneath the surface, impacting how each person feels about the other. Yet, they make excuses as to why they don't share such information and over time a metaphorical wall begins to build between the couple. The energy that bound them together from the start begins to erode as they choose not to share with one another. And many of these people actually permit themselves to live in such a manner. Their primary relationship becomes mediocre at best and they may live out their lives in this way. Why would people choose their primary partner, exclude the opportunity for other close and personal relations, and then live their lives in such a disappointing and limiting way?

On my home planet we organize our relationships very differently. Relationship, particularly committed ones, serve to enhance our lives, certainly not to constrain us. We devote ample attention to learning the skills necessary to accomplish this goal, as we envision gratifying relations as a core foundation for a happy life. My recommendation for the inhabitants of your planet is to reconsider your goals and purpose in relationship and then put the same energy into them as you seem to do in other projects. Humans appear to be a very ambitious and industrious lot, yet struggle so much in their relationships. Wouldn't it make sense to devote yourselves toward increasing self-esteem and truly experiencing relations that enhance your lives? This requires a commitment to the process and an opening to new learning.

I Just Beamed Down

© 2008 by Mel Schwartz. All rights reserved.